Archives for posts with tag: past

I have a terrible habit of ruminating. It is something I try to let go of but the habit has been embedded in my mind for years and it is hard to break. The past few months have been… an experience. Random nights I stumble upon an email from an ex-boyfriend, an old message from a friend, sometimes I look through my journal and I am reminded of so many experiences, conversations, arguments, what have you. Did I “forget” these memories? Technically I guess I did, but being reminded of them still brings back so many emotions I thought I had left in the past.

Do we ever really let go? By this point in our lives we have all learned that the fun little phrase, “forgive and forget” is basically a lie. To quote countless movies, books, and reality TV shows, “you can forgive but you never forget”. The entire notion is sort of silly to me. When you have been hurt by someone else you can usually find it in your heart to forgive the other person. I always try to remind myself that we are all human, extremely flawed and therefore make many mistakes. We ask and tend to even expect forgiveness from others, but what does the entire idea of forgiveness really mean?

When someone else causes you pain you go through a whirlwind of emotions that usually ends with a bottle of wine, copious amounts of snacks, and a bitch session with friends (at least that’s what I do…). After the initial sting has worn off we begin to assess the situation more rationally and are able to somewhat put aside our emotions in order to come to the conclusion of whether or not to give this person another chance. I have definitely been hurt before, as we all have, and in every instance (except one) I have been able to forgive the other person, mainly because I would want the second chance if I were them. However, in these past few months I have realized that the emotion dulls with time but it never really goes away. When you are reminded of an argument you had with your best friend where they threw things out there that were below the belt you rationalize and say, “well they were angry and probably didn’t mean it”. Part of the time this is true. Unfortunately, I have realized that I am able to move on with the other person after some serious drag out fights, but when I remember what was said I realize that I haven’t let it go.

This entire idea of “letting it go” seems unrealistic and also seems to simplify the complexity of our emotions and relationships. I think we have all established at this point that you don’t forget. Are we even capable of letting go? When the words still stab you months, even years later have you let it go? Or are you temporarily pulled back into that situation and the emotions in that time? You tend to wonder “do they really think that about me?”. Will we ever know the truth? Maybe. Maybe not. I guess we all have to decide what we can and cannot truthfully handle and realize that sometimes just because the fight is over and you’ve kissed and made up, you can’t always move forward.

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Well, we made it through 12/12/12 and as I can see, the world didn’t end. Sorry to everyone who had their canned goods and extra water stored in their basement, ready for Armageddon and the end of the world. When we sit and think about the future, what we are afraid of, and then look at our past, we can’t help but blame ourselves for poor choices we made.

It is difficult for me to look back on the past two years of my life. They definitely weren’t a cake walk. Yes, there were some wonderful memories made, for instance seeing James Taylor with the people I love most in this world this 4th of July, but for the most part the past two years were extremely challenging and taxing on me. They made me question who I am, who I was and made me question my judgment. For an entire year beginning in February 2011 and ending in March 2012 I completely lost myself. I had no idea who I was, I lost sight of my goals and I spent the entire time focusing on someone else, trying to save them. Around December 2011 I realized that I cannot save someone else, nor can anyone save me, we all have to make the decision to take responsibility and save ourselves. I learned extremely valuable lessons during that time, however there are so many things that I wish had turned out differently, so many mistakes made that clouded my judgment, threw me off my path and I ended up burying myself amongst the ruins of another person.

As I look back I think, who was I? Why did I make such terrible decisions? Why did I hold on to something so toxic for so long? Then I think about control, how much control do we really have over our own lives? For me, that time was full of pressure. Pressure to support and monitor someone else when I was only 22 years old. I felt pressure from my family to make a certain decision I wasn’t necessarily comfortable making because I was terrified of what might follow once I made that decision. Even now, people tell me that I have control over what I am doing and the choices that I’m making and yes, to a certain extent I know that at the end of the day I have ultimate control over the choices that I make, but at the same time aren’t we all factoring in external pressures when it comes to making decisions? When I try to take control of a situation I feel that if I disagree with what the majority feels then I am making the wrong choice, but my intuition is telling me to trust my instincts and follow my gut, or my heart. I realized recently that I am a people pleaser. I tend to go with the flow even if I don’t want to necessarily do something, because I would rather put up with my own unhappiness than disappoint someone I love.

When it comes down to it, how much control does one really have over their own life? We want to achieve certain goals, but we are forced to follow certain rules that society has laid out for us, whether we like it or not. When we attempt to make a decision, how much of that decision is truly our own? We always factor in someone else, or family members’ opinions or we worry about how people will perceive us if we go left instead of right. In the end, do we really control our own fate or do our surroundings and the people in our lives tend to guide us to make certain choices?