Hello 2013. I am ready to meet this year with a new attitude and a new re-awakened passion for living. The last two years of my life were a struggle, to say the least. I found myself in places I never thought I’d go, to the darkest depths within myself and my mind and I found myself making choices and compromises that I never thought I would. As each day goes by I am attempting to be a student of my life. In this way I want to be able to view my choices, analyze my feelings and emotions and be able to understand all sides of a situation with a more rational and wiser perspective. Within the last year I came to understand that I must be concerned with myself, my needs and I need to be my own person, figure out who I am and who it is I want to become.
I spent a great deal of time in the past two years completely immersed in someone else’s life. I put so many of my own needs aside in order to try to fix a situation I wasn’t equipped to fix. I realized I can’t cater to someone else’s needs and feelings without first focusing on my own. You can’t help someone else if you haven’t helped yourself, otherwise it becomes a downward spiral for everyone involved and that is exactly what happened. I programmed myself to cope in unhealthy ways in order to live the life I was living, in a situation where I felt completely helpless and trapped. I woke up one day realizing I had control. I was making a choice to stay in an environment and be around people who only brought negativity and destruction into my life and theirs.
When I moved across the country, I know I had high expectations for the possibilities I was hoping to have. In so many ways the move helped me become more motivated and positive but I still felt myself slipping back into the negative thoughts. You try to leave certain aspects of yourself behind without realizing they are still a part of you and maybe you are just hiding them for a time until they reach out one day and grab you again. When this first began happening I was disappointed and felt that I would never be able to feel certain feelings again, or have the outlook that I wanted to have, but instead of worrying, lately I have forced myself to rationalize and to also put boundaries up to protect myself in situations I know will only bring strain.
As cliche as it sounds, the difficulties in life do bring extremely valuable lessons, even though looking back there are many things that I wish had turned out differently. Mistakes made and focus lost, but now I am choosing to do what is best for me and my happiness and peace of mind.
My New Year’s Eve was one of the best New Year’s I have ever had. I felt passion that I hadn’t felt in a long time. I couldn’t be more thankful. 2013 will be a better year because I am choosing to make it better, by becoming more positive, making better decisions and becoming more focused and motivated. We should all resolve to take control over our lives and drive ourselves into genuine happiness this year.