Well, we made it through 12/12/12 and as I can see, the world didn’t end. Sorry to everyone who had their canned goods and extra water stored in their basement, ready for Armageddon and the end of the world. When we sit and think about the future, what we are afraid of, and then look at our past, we can’t help but blame ourselves for poor choices we made.
It is difficult for me to look back on the past two years of my life. They definitely weren’t a cake walk. Yes, there were some wonderful memories made, for instance seeing James Taylor with the people I love most in this world this 4th of July, but for the most part the past two years were extremely challenging and taxing on me. They made me question who I am, who I was and made me question my judgment. For an entire year beginning in February 2011 and ending in March 2012 I completely lost myself. I had no idea who I was, I lost sight of my goals and I spent the entire time focusing on someone else, trying to save them. Around December 2011 I realized that I cannot save someone else, nor can anyone save me, we all have to make the decision to take responsibility and save ourselves. I learned extremely valuable lessons during that time, however there are so many things that I wish had turned out differently, so many mistakes made that clouded my judgment, threw me off my path and I ended up burying myself amongst the ruins of another person.
As I look back I think, who was I? Why did I make such terrible decisions? Why did I hold on to something so toxic for so long? Then I think about control, how much control do we really have over our own lives? For me, that time was full of pressure. Pressure to support and monitor someone else when I was only 22 years old. I felt pressure from my family to make a certain decision I wasn’t necessarily comfortable making because I was terrified of what might follow once I made that decision. Even now, people tell me that I have control over what I am doing and the choices that I’m making and yes, to a certain extent I know that at the end of the day I have ultimate control over the choices that I make, but at the same time aren’t we all factoring in external pressures when it comes to making decisions? When I try to take control of a situation I feel that if I disagree with what the majority feels then I am making the wrong choice, but my intuition is telling me to trust my instincts and follow my gut, or my heart. I realized recently that I am a people pleaser. I tend to go with the flow even if I don’t want to necessarily do something, because I would rather put up with my own unhappiness than disappoint someone I love.
When it comes down to it, how much control does one really have over their own life? We want to achieve certain goals, but we are forced to follow certain rules that society has laid out for us, whether we like it or not. When we attempt to make a decision, how much of that decision is truly our own? We always factor in someone else, or family members’ opinions or we worry about how people will perceive us if we go left instead of right. In the end, do we really control our own fate or do our surroundings and the people in our lives tend to guide us to make certain choices?